In a class with the senior men at Armstrong College, I gave this writing prompt. “Spend some time reflecting on and articulating the biggest lessons you’ve learned about building quality relationships during your time at Herbert W. Armstrong College. Think about relationships with peers, with women, with members of the congregation and with the ministry.”
Here was one student’s response: “The biggest lesson that I have learned about building relationships here at AC is that it requires a lot of work, but it is extremely rewarding. Building solid relationships has been one of the most challenging endeavors for me here at AC. I don’t actually think I really came here with that kind of a focus. It was very much, ‘What can I do for myself to get through AC,’ and it was like that for quite some time. Without even realizing it, I was actually not trying to build relationships with others, including the ministry, females and others in the congregation and college.”
“This is not to say I never had friends. I had quite a few, but they were the ones that came easily, the ones that required no real effort. I saw a relationship as a means of merrily bantering with someone, and someone I could have a good time with. These are good things, but there was more to it than I had realized. I never thought of a relationship with someone else as a way to help them grow or build them up, or as a way to help me grow. These are the ones that require work and effort but are the most rewarding.”
That is a profound assessment from an upperclassman at God’s College! He learned something extremely valuable—something that you can start learning now.
Have you ever thought of relationships with others in those terms? Not just merrily bantering, but relationships where you’re building each other up, helping each other grow. You might be thinking, Who wants to put work into relationships? But as this student said, those are the most rewarding.
That student continued: “I began learning this lesson a lot more through baptism counseling, but it was when I became an S.E.P. counselor for the first time that it hit me hard. It seemed for the first time I was in a position where I was to be as selfless as I could be and really try to help out these young people. My example mattered, my positivity mattered, my consistency mattered, my character mattered, and my relationship with God mattered. All of this as a way to build a relationship with the youth to help them.”
Most of you have been to S.E.P. Try to think of that experience through your counselor’s eyes. For them, camp is a crash course in unselfish relationship-building!
“Some required more effort than others”—that is true. But this student recognized that he had to build relationships with all his campers. He didn’t have the option of only being friends with those with whom it came easily. That experience changed the way he looked at everyone!
“After this, I tried harder to build my relationships with others younger than me, older than me, male, female. I knew how beneficial it was for everyone. My relationship with the ministry improved as well. I would say this is still something I struggle with, and I need to pray for more consistency in this area, but when I have done it, it is extremely rewarding.”
Jesus Christ identified the two pillars of God’s law: love toward God and love toward man (Matthew 22:36-40). That is what this is all about: love! That is how God summarized His whole way of life!
And what is love? God inspired his end-time Elijah to define love as “’an unselfish outgoing concern’ for the good and welfare of the one loved. Love is primarily on the giving, serving, sharing side of the fence—not on the getting, taking, factional, striving side. It is not selfish” (The Missing Dimension in Sex).
How much are you building “unselfish outgoing concern” in your relationships with others? That’s not easy! It does not happen naturally or without effort.
A Single, Simple Step
There are many steps you can take to build these kinds of relationships: For example, don’t worry what others think of you; focus on building the Family; vary who you talk to; talk to the ministry more; foster a strong relationship with the elderly; seek help from others. But I want to give you one very simple thing you can do to get started. It is something you can do to start building the habit right now, but it is something you can keep growing in your whole life. There isn’t one of us that couldn’t be better at this: Asking questions.
The Imperial Academy Code of Conduct says: “In conversation, when asked a question, ask a question in return. If someone asks, ‘Did you have a nice weekend?’ you should answer the question and then ask a question of him: ‘Yes, I had a great time. My family and I went shopping. What about you? Did you have a nice weekend?’ It is only polite to show others that you are just as interested in them as they are in you.”
Are you interested in people? Are you curious about them? Asking questions is a simple habit that helps you build relationships and show love to others. It is a reflection of how much you care for them.
Cultivate Curiosity
Proverbs 20:5 reads, “The purpose in a man’s mind is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” How well do you really know the people around you? You can’t know what people are thinking by looking on the surface. You have to put in a bit of work and draw it out. The Matthew Henry commentary says, “We lose the benefit we might have by the conversation of wise men for want of the art of being inquisitive” (emphasis mine).
An Axios article “One Big Thing” makes the point that “one of the simplest and most effective ways to brighten someone’s day is by asking them a question.” We have dozens and dozens of interactions throughout our days. Almost all of them could be more meaningful and fulfilling with the addition of good questions.
This article quotes one journalist who said, “I’ll be leaving a party or some gathering and I’ll realize: That whole time, nobody asked me a single question. I estimate that only 30 percent of the people in the world are good question askers. The rest are nice people, but they just don’t ask. I think it’s because they haven’t been taught to and so don’t display basic curiosity about others.”
Ask questions that show that you actually care about the people around you. “The finding from a Harvard Business School analysis of multiple studies is simple—people like those who ask more questions. That’s because being asked about ourselves and our lives makes us feel listened to, understood, cared for and validated.” This is simply living the way of give!
Now, when I talk about asking questions, I do not means asking “Who do you like?” or “Who do you think is cute?” That might feel like it’s drawing you closer to someone, but it’s actually pulling both of you away from God!
Challenge Yourself!
Challenge yourself to ask at least one question in every conversation you have. Sabbath services provide excellent opportunities for longer conversations—in those you could even challenge yourself to ask two questions or more! You can do this with older members in the congregation, but you should even practice this with your friends.
Asking good questions is a terrific life skill you can start to build today—and it will help you build relationships. Building quality relationships is so important. It is worth putting effort into. Good times and banter are fine, but start to think about your relationships as a way to help others grow, a way to build others up—and as a way to help you grow! Start to think about investing work into your relationships. You too will find that the relationships you do that with are the most rewarding.
When you ask questions, you not only show respect for the other person, but it also helps you grow in unselfish, outgoing concern—and to grow in curiosity. When you cultivate curiosity about other people, you can end up learning a lot. Proverbs 18:15 says, “The heart of the prudent getteth knowledge; and the ear of the wise seeketh knowledge.” Seek knowledge from others! Ask questions that get the other person talking, then ask follow-up questions to keep them talking. That is how a question turns into a conversation.
The Power of Listening
I said I would give you one simple thing you can start doing now, but it’s so simple, I’ll give you one more. It’s closely related to the first: Listen.
God is a wonderful listener. Mortimer Adler said about listening: “The mind of the receiver must somehow penetrate through the words used to the thought that lies beneath them.” God knows our underlying thoughts better than we do! Truly listening to others helps us build God’s mind in us.
Good listening requires selflessness. We must be willing to give the other person our time and attention. It also shows that we think enough of the other person to want to hear them out and empathize with them. It shows the speaker respect.
When you are listening to others, concentrate! You can learn so much by giving your undivided attention to a conversation. Look at the speaker; don’t interrupt; let him finish his thought. Make listening your priority, and ask questions for clarity.
Don’t listen to criticize, advise or fight; listen to understand. Stephen Covey identifies one habit of highly effective people as: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
Covey wrote in Principle-Centered Leadership, “What happens when you truly listen to another person? The whole relationship is transformed: ‘Someone started listening to me, and they seemed to savor my words. They didn’t agree or disagree, they just were listening, and I felt as if they were seeing how I saw the world. And in that process, I found myself listening to myself. I started to feel a worth in myself.”
Tips from “What Good Listeners Have in Common”
Axios published an article in October 2023 titled “What Good Listeners Have in Common.” The author writes: “Few glitches in our species are more annoying—and baffling—than our inability to just listen. I’m talking about sitting quietly, with an open mind—unburdened by selfish or defensive mind spams, and soaking up what the other person is actually saying.”
We need to learn to “hear not what we want to hear, but what others are saying. Imagine the relationships saved, productivity gained, clarity achieved if we could better use our goofy-looking ears.”
Below are some of the tips from that article:
“Clear the clutter. It’s impossible to listen if you’re fiddling with your phone, staring at your computer, daydreaming, or simply pretending to care or listen. You need to lock in to have a fighter’s chance of hearing. Your teacher was right: When you’re talking, you’re not learning.”
“Stop self-obsessing. No one thinks you’re smarter when you’re babbling or filibustering or self-indulging. No one feels heard if your version of listening is silently crafting your clever comeback while they talk.”
“Savor silence. One of the oldest tricks in the book for a great interviewer is being willing to endure silence. Don’t yield to our human impulse to jump in and fill the awkward pause with your random words. Let the other person fill the silence. What you’ll learn is priceless. And you can think about what you really want to say, based on what they really said.”
“Put a sock in it—confidently. Think about any meeting or group dinner. Usually the person running their mouth isn’t the person with the most power, the most interesting life — or the most to say. Selling something? Asking for a raise? Trying to impress a first date? You’ll get to “yes” in the time the other person is talking—not when you are.”
“Then listen — truly and intently. Allison often ends a discussion or meeting by saying: ‘What I hear you saying is…’ This is a masterful way to show you were listening—and to make sure you heard with precision what the other person was trying to convey. Don’t leave space for fogginess. Force clarity—and understanding.”