When I first started working at headquarters in 1998, I assisted in the editorial department. Right at that time, we had just come into a possession of a sermon recording of our pastor general from long before he held that position—back when he was a field minister in the Worldwide Church of God.

This sermon was the most profound we’d heard on the subject of self-righteousness, and my co-worker Joel Hilliker was working on turning its transcript into an article—which would be the very first piece I edited at my new job. The article made the July-August 1998 Royal Vision, and I remember a particularly life-changing sermon from our department head Stephen Flurry later that summer which explored the article and elaborated on some of its poignant points. The article has since been immortalized as the third chapter of the Church’s book How to Be an Overcomer.

Every time any of us reviews a piece of Church literature, our life experiences are like a different set of highlighters causing certain statements to stand out. When I reviewed that chapter recently—now as a minister overseeing the singles program of God’s Church— several statements stood out about how self-righteousness impacts relationships. Four passages are particularly relevant. As we consider our relationships, we can all benefit from considering these.

Here is the first quote, which describes how a self-righteous person makes others feel:

Have you ever been around a person who made you feel guilty, or very unrighteous, because you felt this person was doing so many righteous deeds? You didn’t want to become close friends with him because he always made you feel so unrighteous. Job had that effect on people. We need to understand that self-righteousness repels, while the true righteousness of God draws people to you as it did to Jesus Christ. People liked Christ. He was a nice man to be around because He didn’t put people down or make them feel inferior.

This comparison between a self-righteous person and Jesus is immensely insightful. We need to examine which example we gravitate toward.

Now, if we flaunt our “righteousness,” it might not be from arrogance, but from a feeling of inferiority—because we feel we need to prove something. This is still vanity. We must realize that instead of impressing others, this repels them.

Mr. Flurry describes how the religious elite in Christ’s day—the Pharisees—exhibited this relationship repellant:

They were wearing their righteousness outwardly—a big spiritual flaw. That is why we feel uncomfortable sometimes around people who flaunt their self-righteousness. If we are self-righteous, that will turn people off more quickly than anything—guaranteed. If we want friends, we can’t go around feeling superior to them. On the contrary, we should work to make all people feel like royalty.

Of all our potential flaws, self-righteousness is the quickest turnoff. This quote’s last sentence alone is cause for deep reflection: Do I work to make all people feel like royalty?

Here is another piercing passage from the book:

Self-righteousness makes you a person without much compassion because you just can’t understand why people have so many faults. If you don’t look deep down and see your own problems, you are going to be very critical of other people. You will be a difficult person to get close to, because who wants to be put down all the time?

Reflect on how much compassion you have, and that you extend to others. If you lack patience with others, as the above quote says, it could be because you’re not honestly evaluating yourself. Lack of consistent self-examination makes someone “critical” and “a difficult person to get close to.”

The final passage I’d like to draw attention to is in response to Job 42:6, which quotes Job as saying: “Wherefore I abhor myself, and repent in dust and ashes.” Mr. Flurry comments:

Consider the fruits we will bear if we have this attitude. Sometimes we have little problems with other people. In that situation, self-righteousness can produce a defensive attitude. We end up thinking, I try to get closer to people, but this person criticized me, and it causes us to hold back. But if we really saw what Job saw here, we would abhor ourselves. Then if somebody makes a negative remark about us, so what? It doesn’t really matter. We can go on and love them and be friends with them. What difference does it make what people think of you? All that matters is what God thinks.

Consider all the relationship advice in that paragraph! Self-righteousness can cause you to be defensive. Your own self-righteousness can cause you to distance yourself from drawing closer to others. Godly relationships actually start with each person abhorring himself as Job did—specifically, seeing himself accurately as compared to God’s immeasurable greatness. A self-righteous person will be wrapped up in what others think of him and get agitated by little remarks. But those in a consistently repentant and humble attitude overlook those things, because they care only about what God thinks.

The more we shed self-righteousness, and the more we make God’s estimation the only one that matters, the more positive fruit it will bear in our relationships!