I have to admit that I was surprised on the day when one of my beautiful daughters, who was about 18 months at the time and just beginning to put short sentences together, told me in no uncertain terms: “By myself!” The two of us were alone, and I could see she needed my help. I made a move to lend her a hand, but she did not want my help. Understand, she was not being disobedient—she was insisting on being independent. Since she was not in any danger or about to get hurt—I backed off and let her attempt to work out the situation on her own.
What truly amazed me at the time was her thinking process. I was left speechless that an 18-month-old child had obviously devoted some time to thinking about being independent from her parents. This incident showed me the incredible capacity of the human mind in very young children. The human spirit combined with the human brain truly is a wonderfully powerful creation of God.
Young children can and do analyze, reason and come to conclusions. Parents, for you to be truly effective in child rearing you must understand the immense potential of the human spirit lodged within your child, then work with and train your child how to think and act lawfully upon his or her thoughts—from a very young age.
Top Goal in Child Rearing
One of your primary goals in child rearing should be to teach your child to become responsibly independent. To be responsibly independent means that as your child grows, he or she consistently and willingly chooses to act according to God’s laws, which is God’s character. We could also call this godly independence.
The Bible clearly shows that your child cannot become responsibly independent without you. It is only because of a close physical and spiritual connection to you that your child can become a successfully independent person. “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it,” Solomon wrote in Proverbs 22:6. All parents must rear their children not just for the moment, but also for the future. This requires detailed planning, intense observation and selfless commitment on your part—especially when your children are young.
Are you teaching your child to be independent? Don’t wait. Delaying independence training until a child is a teenager is waiting too long. Start small when your child is small. Then grow their independence as they grow, and when they are adults they will not depart from the habits you have helped them develop.
Please understand this point clearly: Training your child to be independent does not mean that you leave your child to grow up alone. Solomon also wisely taught, “[A] child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame” (Proverbs 29:15). Children need to be taught to think, make decisions, be courageous and solve problems.
So how do you get started?
Capitalize on Your Child’s Curiosity
“And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up,” wrote Moses to all parents (Deuteronomy 6:7). Through Moses, God tells all parents (and grandparents) that you are your child’s first, most capable and most important teacher. And here is the beauty of this verse: Every parent’s classroom is day-to-day living—around the house and in the natural environment of your own neighborhood. Between parents and children, the best teaching is made up of informal yet meaty conversations. There is a real art to this kind of education. Parents have to learn to work with it to get the most out of it.
Here is an important key for success: Let your child’s curiosity and innate desire to learn and be independent drive your instruction. Moses also told the parents of Israel, “And when thy son asketh thee in time to come, saying, What mean the testimonies, and the statutes, and the judgments, which the Lord our God hath commanded you? Then thou shalt say unto thy son …” (verses 20-21). Think deeply about what God is getting across here.
At times, parents should allow children to instigate instruction through their own questions about life. Of course there are laws and statutes that all parents must teach children in a formal way. For example, using the Bible to teach how to pray, how to obey rules and authorities, and how to treat others. Yet masterful parental teaching must also include informal give-and-take conversations with your child. When your child asks you a question he has been thinking about, you have his undivided attention. These times are golden opportunities for the most productive learning.
While answering your child’s question, capitalize on his curiosity and stimulate his thinking. You must activate your child’s mind by encouraging him to think for himself. One of the building blocks of responsible independence is right thinking. Thinking is an awesome power that your child must learn to control to his advantage. However, right thinking is a learned skill that must be taught. That is where you come in. Do you ever ask your child: “What’s on your mind today?” Most children will be happy to tell you if they sense you are really willing to listen. There is nothing more rewarding than shaping your child’s thinking.
Be warned, however, that your child’s mind is extremely impressionable and receptive to input from any source. Make sure that you are your child’s primary source of input.
Protect From Danger
As your child matures, he will naturally want to do many things on his own—by myself activities such as riding a bike, roller skating, swimming, engaging in sports or playing a musical instrument. These are great activities. Some children will need extra encouragement to take on such challenges. Parents should work within their financial means to provide such opportunities for their children. You should also protect your children from hurting themselves, doing damage to the property of others, or damaging their self-confidence.
Most children naturally want to test and use their physical skills. Yet they must be taught how to responsibly use those skills. My grandsons love to climb on things. They are ages 7 and 8, so I allow them to climb all the trees in my backyard. However, I do not allow them to climb up on the roof of my house or on the neighbor’s fence. To do so would be irresponsible; they could hurt themselves and may cause property damage. When the boys come into my house, they are not allowed to climb the curtains or on my coffee table. I am working to help my grandsons think about the results of their actions and that independence requires responsibility.
Parents should encourage their children to only take on activities that they have the physical skills to master. For example, a crawling infant does not have the physical skills to ride a bike. However, he does have the ability to learn to swim. To allow a crawling infant to attempt to ride a bike would put him in unnecessary danger and damage his self-confidence. I am giving an extreme example to make a point. Apply the concept to your older children. I think most parents know not to hand the keys to the family car to a 5-year-old.
Stick-to-it-iveness
Whatever your children show interest in doing, make sure they stay with it until they do it well. Responsible independence requires the character trait of perseverance, or stick-to-it-iveness (along with the other six laws of success). Teach your child not to give up and quit when the challenges get tough.
When my daughters were in high school, they all played soccer. While they could have qualified for the varsity team, they were forced to play on junior varsity because of their keeping of the Sabbath. There came a time when two of them wanted to quit because their friends were on the varsity team. I encouraged them to stay on the junior varsity team because I knew that playing a team sport was good for them. But I also knew they would develop character while doing something that was not quite what they wanted. They actually became great leaders on the junior varsity team and are faithfully and actively serving in God’s Work today.
As your child matures into teenage years, you should know him well enough to be able to encourage him to take on even more challenging activities. The Bible and life experience in God’s Church show us that life can put us in mind-bending trials that we must learn to work through. Teaching responsible independence prepares our children to shoulder the tests and trials necessary to qualify for God’s Kingdom.
Reliance on God
One of the most important aspects of helping your child to become independent is teaching her to rely on God. Responsible independence requires that your child fully understands God’s purpose for her life. Parents must constantly reinforce with their children that they have the opportunity to be born into God’s Family. That must become their first goal in life.
Our children need to know that qualifying for the Kingdom of God cannot be attained by myself! What an incredible opportunity our children have! Attaining the Kingdom of God is the ultimate responsible independence. True independence cannot be attained without constant contact with and guidance and continuous help from God.
Parents, one of your major responsibilities in helping your children achieve godly independence is teaching them how to have continual contact with God. This means that you daily reinforce with your children their responsibility to pray and study the Bible. When they faithfully pray and study, God will become actively involved in their lives. He will directly intervene to help them face trials and difficulties. He will ensure that they get even more challenges for growth. Most of all, He will give them happiness and real lasting success in eternal life.
When your little child looks up at you and says, “By myself!” smile and get busy.