When I came into the Philadelphia Church of God in 1994, I was 22 years old, and I felt like, practically speaking, I had just entered a monastery.
The congregation I came into had no singles my age. The closest one was a 16-year-old girl. The messages were fantastic. But I distinctly remember driving home from services that day and saying to my sister, “Well, we certainly didn’t join the pcg for the dating life.” I thought there was a distinct possibility I would never be able to marry and have a family.
The singles in the pcg are quite scattered. And it’s difficult not to get pessimistic about your chances of meeting someone when you don’t even see anyone.
However, as it turns out, the pcg has a lot of singles. You make up about 30 percent of the membership of the Church! God’s Church has a lot of singles you don’t know very well—and probably many you haven’t even met.
I want to encourage you to get to know more of your fellow pcg singles.
The ideal would be if there were a lot of healthy interaction and dating within our singles community. It’s up to you to make it happen.
Some of you are not particularly sold on the idea that dating is important. I realize that as you get older, circumstances and priorities change. Many of you have already had a family and aren’t interested in doing that again. That is understandable.
Nevertheless, I am convinced that anyone who applies this advice—no matter your age or station in life—will benefit. Our human nature always wants to consider ourselves the exception—to think that something doesn’t really apply to us. There may be some exceptions, but if those exceptions make up 2 or 5 percent of the people, there will likely still be 50 percent or more considering themselves the exception!
This is an area where the vast majority of you, of every age, would benefit from looking more closely at the way God has set things up at Herbert W. Armstrong College and doing what you can to emulate that model.
Do You Uphold God’s Dating Standard?
The Armstrong College Handbook says, “At God’s college, dating widely is critical to your overall development of the whole man—and thus, a vitally important part of your education.” This is a vitally important part of the education of the students at God’s college.
Do you view dating as vitally important to your education?
You may think that is only true for younger singles. I disagree. Many of the older singles in the Church never even had the opportunity to date God’s way—because they came into the Church later in life, or perhaps were already married. And unless you’ve had that opportunity, you probably have more worldly ideas about dating than you realize! (That being the case, it’s understandable that many of you are turned off by whole idea of dating. Dating that excludes God is destructive.)
Dating God’s way is a critical component of the AC education. It serves a vital purpose in developing the whole man—and woman—if done the right way, in accordance with God’s standards. And that is true for any single who does it!
“For this reason, the administration has taken significant steps to ensure that you have many valuable dating experiences while here—and with as many different people as possible,” the handbook continues, and then describes some of those opportunities.
That’s fine and wonderful for those at the college. But the reality is that outside of headquarters, there simply aren’t as many opportunities to date as would be ideal. The ideal situation is where you’re in close proximity to many other singles that you can date and get to know face-to-face.
So how can you increase your opportunities? Get creative.
Opportunities Await—Grab Them!
When I was single in the field, making expensive long-distance phone calls was about the only way to stay in touch with someone outside my congregation. And I spent the money to make those phone calls—it could easily add up to $10, $20 or $30 or more for a single phone call!
Today, however, you have this wonderful tool called the Internet. Video conferencing—through free tools like Facetime, Skype, Oovoo or Google Hangouts— even allows you to see who you’re talking with “face to face”! Yes, you need an Internet connection, but other than that, it’s free. There are no additional long-distance costs. And what do you do on a date anyway? You have conversation and share experiences. You can do that to an amazing degree online.
Using technology opens up possibilities for interacting regularly with singles from all over! It gives you the means to use dating for giving and serving, learning to be a source of encouragement and inspiration to others, and strengthening the Body of Christ.
A Different Way to Date!
God’s way of dating is radically different from this world’s way of dating.
Consider the purposes of dating and why it is important (and I am speaking here particularly about casual dating, versus dating one individual seriously in preparation for marriage). In the Worldwide Church of God under Herbert W. Armstrong, one minister gave these nine purposes and reasons for dating:
- To have fun and enjoyment
- To develop a well-rounded personality
- To expand socially and culturally
- To broaden your education
- To develop the art of conversation
- To overcome self-centeredness
- To experience a wide range of personalities
- To build confidence
- To prepare for courtship and marriage
Casual dating, this minister wrote, is an opportunity to accomplish “two grand goals”: 1) To develop into a colorful and dynamic personality; and 2) to be a source of genuine encouragement and inspiration to others.
That last point really is a “grand goal”! In fact, it’s a wonderful vision of how God’s Church should conduct itself. For you singles, godly dating is a special way for you to be a source of genuine encouragement and inspiration to others.
Many singles in this Church could really use some genuine encouragement and inspiration. Living in Satan’s world—working to qualify to marry Christ—is tough! We need each other!
You might think, I’m doing fine. I don’t really need encouragement. Maybe you need it more than you think, but the point is, other people need that encouragement from you!
Singles, we really would like to create an environment in God’s Church where there is a lot of regular positive, upbuilding, wholesome interaction occurring among you, just as there is among our AC students. For you in the field, this simply will not happen without extra effort.
The challenge lies before you: Do what you can to build that positive environment. Step out and create those interactions. Not just between you and your two or three friends, but regular fellowship among a variety of people.
We created the pcg singles directory as a tool to help you. This enables you to make contact with singles you wouldn’t otherwise think to, or may not even know about.
I really encourage you to use video conferencing. Seeing who you’re speaking with is ideal. If video conferencing isn’t available, a phone call is still useful. (E-mails and chatting are far less personal and can’t really be considered “dating.”)
Generally, schedule your dates rather than just calling out of the blue.
Whether this succeeds or fails depends in large part on you men. God designed you to be the leaders. He wants you to initiate most of the dating, setting the pace, leading the way, serving your sisters in the Church. You have a responsibility in this area. Be proactive!
And women, do what you can to encourage the men who do step out. Don’t interpret an e-mail invitation for an online date as a marriage proposal and freak out. Have some fellowship with a brother, and let him know his efforts are appreciated.
How often should you date? There’s no single correct answer, but let’s look at the college as a model. “We have scheduled several formal events during the academic year where attendance with a date is required,” the handbook says. “We strongly encourage our men to escort women to Sabbath services and Bible studies. Off-campus dating activities are also allowed, so long as they fall within the parameters of dating widely and other policies covered in this catalog.” That translates to eight or more dates per month.
Eight dates per month might be unrealistic for many single men in the field. But I encourage you men to set goals—challenge yourself to have two, three or four per month, or one or two per week—and follow through.
Anyone who strives to make this part of your regular life is sure to find great reward in it.
Look to create other opportunities, besides just online dates. Travel when you can. See if your congregation or region can host a singles event. For a special occasion, you might fly someone out. If there’s a church activity like a campout, rally some other singles together and turn it into a singles activity. Work to create experiences.
Pray about it, asking God to open doors for you. If you expend the effort, God will bless and amplify that.
Most of this responsibility falls on you men, but women can also participate in planning. Get creative! At the college, we have Turnabout Weekend, where the women do the asking. The AC handbook says, “Turnabout Weekend happens once a semester and gives AC women the opportunity to take on the responsibility of planning for and asking AC men on dates.” It wouldn’t be out of the question to do that occasionally. “Outside of Turnabout Weekend, generally speaking, women should not ask men out on dates at AC. Unless it is a special, off-campus occasion or a turnabout date, women should allow the men to ask for dates” (ibid).
Date Widely
What do we mean when we encourage you to “date widely”? The AC handbook says, “To ensure students date widely, male students should not request an additional date with a female student until he has dated all of the eligible female students.” That is quite a standard! For many of our students, that’s 25 people or more!
I challenge you men, if possible, to cycle through a list of 10 or 20 people or more before you come back around to dating someone a second time. The urge is always to “pair off” quickly. But that undermines what we’re trying to accomplish and often leads to problems. Use technology to increase your experience at dating widely first. Treat all the women as sisters—and women, treat the men as brothers—not as romantic encounters.
AC students are not permitted to pair off or to consider marriage until the end of the first semester of their senior year. “Until then, all students must date widely and put all thought of marriage out of mind,” the handbook says.
Remember, these aren’t just the college standards—these are God’s standards!
When should you involve the ministry? If your mind starts entertaining more serious interest in a particular person, it is never too early to involve the ministry.
Be sure that, as at God’s college, you date within your race—even online dating. In most cases this is obvious, but sometimes it isn’t. If you have any doubts, please talk with your minister before you do any one-on-one dating—although group dating, with three or more people of different races, is encouraged.
We also encourage you to generally date people your own age, perhaps within five to 10 years—youngerand older. (Many men seem to want to date women faryounger than themselves but showno interest in anyone older. Typically that reveals a selfish attitude.) The age difference is not quite as important as you get older, but it is still a good idea generally to date people with life experience similar to your own.
How to Be Happy!
Christ instructed the disciples, “Ye call me Master and Lord: and ye say well; for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another’s feet” (John 13:13-14).
This world is completely selfish. We all tend to get into very selfish thinking. Christ is trying to draw us out of that and get us into His giving, serving, loving, outflowing way of life. Christ wants His Bride to learn how to be a genuine source of encouragement and inspiration to others!
Christ commands us to love one another as He loves us (verse 34). You can’t love someone as Christ loves you in a half-hearted way. Every one of us can do more to live up to His example.
“For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you. … If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them” (verses 15, 17).
This world tells you that selfishness makes you happy. That’s a lie!
Christ is telling us, I realize that this involves sacrifice—giving up something you’d rather be doing and putting someone else’s needs ahead of your own. In fact, it involves getting down on your knees, handling someone else’s dirty feet, and helping that person! But guess what? If you do that—you’re actually going to be happy!
Carnally, we think sacrificing for another means we have to give up what makes us happy—but the truth is, giving to others is what makes you happy!
This is a faith issue. There is a way that seems right to this world, and a way that seems right to you—but God has a different way! If we step out in faith and do it God’s way, good things will happen!